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September 26, 2008 / lionelbean

Give A Dog A Throne

The New Yorker has a great essay this week discussing Leona Helmsley’s heir, Trouble, and the legal snout-sneezing over trust funds for me and the other adorable Lionels of the world.

At issue, according to naysayers, is whether or not my kind are getting too many of your fancy human rights/dollars. Talk about a snooze; we already eat better than 70% of the world’s population, and the water I drink from Ms. P’s toilet is ambrosia. Case dismissed!

So let’s get down to brass treats, already. There are two reasons why jerks are choked about Trouble Helmsley getting all that lettuce:

1) Fear. Don’t worry! We’re not going to rend your throats like Cerberus set loose at a cocktail party in order to grab our cash, Menendez-style, years early (probably).

2) Jealousy. Hey, I get it. Peoples have to poop in toilets, while Lionels poop on lawns. Guys, this isn’t a big issue – we can ALL poop on lawns! It’s super easy. Just go for a walk, let it happen, and seconds later J will reach down with a biodegradable bag and take care of your business.

In conclusion, dogs are totally prepared to handle vast sums of money. If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t have licensed my likeness to George and Chuck Parker in 1935.

And really, I mean, it’s not like we can eff things up worse than you guys.

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