This Asshole Has No Idea What He’s Talking About

From the Onion:

“Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit”

Oh ha ha ha, litterfucker. So clever! So unlike every other 100-word news brief the Onion joke robot poops out every four hours! At least when the updates were weekly they were funny. Now they’re just juvenile attacks on an entire species’ way of life.

If a member of dogkind were to write that same blurb for dogkind’s Less Funny Than McSweeney’s, Less Profitable Than College Humour internet publication, it’d be called “Human Takes Miracle Of Plumbing For Granted”.

You jerks don’t have to search for the perfect place to shit, because it’s inside the door next to the closet, in the room with all the tiles. You know what I’m talking about. The miniature white pool with water so sweet and fresh it might just be ambrosia. Yeah, you know the one. You’re on it, like, all the time.

I have a question about that thing: After you use your naked paws to trigger the scary whooshing-and-gurgle noise, do you meet up with other humans and talk about how awesome it is that you know where your next poop is going to go?

I’ll answer for you: No. You don’t. You talk about what’s for dinner, and about that show with all the sexy children, and how it’s badass that Obama is considering capping wall street CEO salaries at $400,000/year until the corporate bailout is repaid.

Well you know what? I don’t care. I don’t. Joke’s on you, punks. Because I also heard you talking about a possible camping trip in Algonquin this summer. That’ll be nice. Really relaxing. I’m looking forward to riding in the canoe, and sleeping amidst that fresh, parkland air.

And when morning comes, and you leave your sleeping bag, and you build a breakfast fire, and you make lumberjack coffee over that breakfast fire, and you drink that coffee…you’re going to be walking in circles in the trees like a 2-day-old puppy, trying to figure out where to go. I’m gonna love it, because you’ll have no clue. And me? I’m going to be walking in circles right behind you, snickering into my paw, pretending to be searching for one of those famous “dog’s perfect spot”.

Thing is, I figured out the perfect spot as soon as you put up the tent:

The tent.

Happy trails.

Just Back Off, Ok?

Listen. I know. It’s been a Lionel’s age since I’ve barked at you. But you know what? There’s a reason for that. And it’s not something I particularly want to discuss, but since nobody will leave me alone, here it is:

I got fat.

Like, my-harness-pinches-rolls-of-torso-blubber-off-my-ribs fat. I guess that’s why J started making me wear this Hannibal Lecter face dealy on walks. But it’s not like that thing’s ideal, because it makes the sniffing of sidewalk garbage and scent juice nearly impossible.

If I had a choice, I’d wear the tummy-pinchy harness. It may not be flattering, but at least it lets me ram my snout in the leavings of my peers.

I don’t know. Winter’s a difficult season. My birthday’s coming up in February. The 18th. I’ll be SEVEN EFFING YEARS OLD (or “1″ in your human years). So depressing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything important. I haven’t traveled. I haven’t fallen in love. I haven’t even humped a random saucy bitch in the T-Bell; and I mean, pretty much everybody has done that.

What the fuck am I doing with my life.

I’m a fat, 6 1/2-year-old virgin who wears a vinyl face mask in public.

Who wants to read a blog about that?

The Internet AKA Lionelville

Hey, you guys ever Google yourselves?

Yeah. Me neither. Just checking.

But I mean, if you were to, say, type in “lionel treats”, this web log is like the fifth result (a, uh, a friend told me). How internet famous does that make me? Why don’t you take a look at an abstract of the THIRD result (copied below) and work it out yourself!*

The Smallville Webring: Season Three: Memoria
Lillian tells him she wants a divorce and that she didn’t want another child because she hates how Lionel treats Lex. Later, Lex remembers the night his …
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*As famous as Michael Rosenbaum, who plays Lex Luthor on “Smallville.” He was also the second lead in “Sorority Boys”.

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UPDATE: The Internet is so smart. It only took two hours, but now Google thinks “lionel treats” should take you here. In that spirit, I’m gaming future searches with the following tasty quotables:

“lionel dog”

“lionel cool fun smart likeable”

“lionel awesome kisser”